I was diagnosed just before New Year's. I knew when I saw the health advisor coming towards me, from the look on her face. I remember thinking, that doesn't bode well. And she said, "but the good news is that you haven't got syphilis" and I was stunned by that because I was thinking, I didn't expect to have syphilis, so why is that good news? I was fairly calm but still, I was quite shocked, quite surprised.

It was a bit of a blow, not just for weeks but for months afterwards. I only went to the hospital; I didn't seek any help or contact any organisations. I remember there was a poster at the hospital for the Sesame group at THT [the Terrence Higgins Trust charity]. I didn't fancy going; that seemed quite scary. I was really worried about disclosure.

As soon as I was told, I thought that means I can't have children, I will never have sex again, I won't be in a relationship. And I had sort of this little strategy: from now on I will make sure that I don't put myself in any situation where a guy might find me attractive, or where it might be an issue. I will just accept that that part of my life is now over. My main emphasis was on keeping it quiet. I had all sorts of scenarios in my head that if I went to a support group somebody would see me, or some nutter would disclose my status because they didn't care about theirs.

After about eight months, I finally called THT Direct. I put the phone down several times, then finally spoke to somebody. From there I was put in touch with a peer-support person for a one-to-one meeting. That was the first positive woman that I spoke to; that was quite life changing. She was an African lady; two kids, widow. On the surface we didn't have anything in common, but I found her really inspiring. She had quite a tough story, but she was really positive and from then onwards I thought well, if she can cope I sure as hell can. I signed up for a recently diagnosed course and that group gave me a lot of strength. There were five guys in the group, four gay guys, one straight guy, no women other than me, but although on the surface we had nothing in common, we bonded very well.

The stigma is slightly different for women than it is for men. You know, how did you get it? If you're not a drug user, then you're a slut, or something.

I'm not sure how I was infected. I think it was a partner who had a previous girlfriend from Zambia. We split up a year before I actually found out and I'm not in touch with him. I have very bad memories of that relationship and I just wanted to put it behind me. I remember he got a phone call from her friend saying that she had just died. At the time, I asked him how she died and he mumbled something. I remember I had this bad feeling in my stomach because I wasn't quite convinced by what he was saying to me. But I put it out of my mind. I just blanked it out. And a year after we broke up I just thought I'd better double-check, and that's how I had the test.

I had a positive partner who I met at the Sesame group. Unfortunately he died two years ago. I'm now in a new relationship with a positive man. I've only had those two relationships, both with positive men. Don't read too much into that: in principle I don't think there is anything wrong with being with a negative guy, it just happens that I was quite lucky to find two compatible men who happen to be positive as well. I think with the first relationship I wasn't ready to disclose so I didn't look for a negative partner, but the second relationship was just purely because I want to be with him. He happens to be positive, and it's fine. It just seems like a very normal relationship. I think there are differences, because we're both positive, but we also have other things in common. And if I look back, compared to before HIV, I actually think my relationships now are better quality.

I resigned within half a year of my diagnosis. I wasn't ill, but mentally I found it very difficult to cope. My work deteriorated and I didn't get a promotion I was told I was entitled to previously, and at that point I didn't want to stay with that employer anymore. I didn't enjoy working in the financial sector anyway, so I thought this is a good time to have another look at my life and maybe make some changes. I studied for a couple of years, then my partner had cancer and chemotherapy and I was the sole carer for him for a good few months. Then he died, and that threw me again. Then I started volunteering and got back into work a year later. I wouldn't want to go back to the financial sector. The money was a lot better but I didn't really enjoy it. I'm a lot happier where I am now.

I'm very optimistic. I'm studying for a qualification, I feel physically great, I enjoy my work, I enjoy my relationship. We're trying for a child. I'm happy. If it wasn't for the stigma I think having HIV wouldn't be such a problem. Medically, for me, it hasn't turned out to be a big deal. I'm on medication but I tolerate it really well and I don't have any problems with side effects. So if it wasn't for the stigma, I think I could live with HIV openly and quite happily.

I think the major health issue for people living with HIV nowadays is the stigma. I come in contact with people quite frequently who're doing physically very well but have real problems adjusting socially and emotionally to their diagnosis. It's not just what they experience, it's also what they fear they would experience if they disclosed.

While on the medical side the support is really good, there needs to be more emphasis on emotional and mental support as well. It is not enough just to prescribe medication; you also need to look at the state of mind of people when they are diagnosed. And not just when they are diagnosed but even years later. It definitely impacts on people's health: some people drive themselves crazy. I think their physical and medical outcomes would actually be better if they felt better about themselves and their status. My hospital is quite good at that. I didn't have any bad experiences and received counselling when I asked for it, but I'm not sure that's always the case for everybody.