Name: Positive secrets.

Age: Positively ancient.

Appearance: Small and private.

Oh, thank God you’re here. I’ve got great news. Shut up.

I beg your pardon? I don’t want to hear your happy news. It’s for your own good.

Why? Will you get jealous? No, I’m thinking of you here. If you keep your good news a secret from everyone, you are going to feel “alert and invigorated”. Doesn’t that sound great?

Not really. Well, researchers at Columbia University conducted a study of more than 2,500 people and discovered that, while you might want to share your good news with the world, those who don’t tend to feel “energised” by their secrecy.

So the moral of this story is that keeping secrets is good? No, the moral of the story is that sometimes it’s nice to keep things to yourself, you absurd oversharing toddler.

But I like telling people when something nice happens to me. Did you ever think those who hear your good news might feel worse about themselves? Or that people might be sick of your incessant boasting?

Hey hey hey, I was always told that keeping secrets was bad for your health. There is an element of truth in that. Four years ago, Scientific American published an article called Why the secrets you keep are hurting you, linking secrecy with anxiety, depression and the rapid progression of disease.

So I should tell everyone about everything all the time? No, because that article focused on negative secrets, such as hidden desires or violations of trust. We are not talking about you booking a nice holiday.

It is a really good holiday, though. I’m going to … Stop! Zip it! You’ll feel worse if you tell me.

Fine, I’ll just post it on Instagram. Don’t do that either. Clinical psychologist Kirren Schnack found that people who overshare tend to struggle with boundaries, which can in turn lead to anxiety.

What am I supposed to do, then? Take your good news and keep it to yourself. Sit with it for a while. Feel the warming glow that comes from knowing that you have accomplished something good, without diluting it with public opinion.

So you’re saying I’m good enough as I am? That is exactly what I’m saying. You don’t need external validation from other people. You are a wonderful, talented, extraordinary person and that knowledge alone should give you all the boost you need.

I am? That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I’m gonna tweet it! You’re a lost cause.

Do say: “Keeping good news secret is good for you!”

Don’t say: “Well now you’ve ruined it by telling me.”